Am I on Dance Moms?

How could this be happening to me?  I'm not one for drama.  I'm the peacemaker.  I don't like conflict.  And yet I found myself smack dab in the middle of it all. Where were the hidden cameras? It must have been a Dance Moms episode. What was I feeling?  Betrayed... misunderstood... angry... frustrated... confused... questioning what to do next for my girl's sake.

But God had a plan.  I can see that now.  So clearly.  

Auditions were over.  Groups were released. Things were moving along with the season.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen just weeks prior.  We found out the studio had lied to us.  The competition director was not coming back.  She was not running auditions.  We didn't even know who the dance teachers were going to be.  I sent an email begging for the studio to please clarify for us before we audition and commit to the unknown.  They did send an email.  We did audition.  We were ready for the season even though we felt a little apprehensive with the unknowns.

It was October.  My older daughter had been wanting to try out theater for a while.  But it was difficult fitting that in with dance.  Luckily we found a place and we were able to skip dance one night to fit in the class.  I brought my daughter to her practice and was catching up on emails and info.  I noticed a message from the studio indicating they were collecting cash only for the fundraiser.  Historically they never wanted to collect cash.  So that was a surprise.  I decided to double check before I ran to the bank.  So I asked a question about it.  Now hindsight is 20/20.  I threw out a question just to make sure.  I didn't reread it.  I didn't make sure it was 100% polite.  But it was also just a question.  The studio answered it.  I gave their answer a little "heart" and then moved on my merry way.

But shortly after is when everything ended up crazy.  Like I woke up in an alternate universe.  I received a text from one of the owners. I sat in the theater reading this text and was utterly confused.  It was a LONG text.  Words hit me hard and I was shocked... "___ and I have done everything to make this studio a happy and fun place.  It seems despite that you aren't really happy with the things being done here."  "Maybe (studio name) isn't where you really want to be"   "The negativity being put out poisons the new families"  "Take some time to figure out if this is where your heart is for these kids." 

And it went on and on an on. 

Did he mean to send this to me?  The person who is a peacemaker. The person who literally made friends with every single new parent and encouraged them to join the team.  The one who explained how comp worked for these parents.  The one who talked several families off the ledge as they wanted to jump ship in the summer.  The one who volunteered countless hours to help make the studio a fun place for the children. The one who hasn't even been at the studio for the past month due to pulling obligations.  The one who was still grieving the recent loss of a grandmother.  I couldn't believe it.  

But then it hit me... it wasn't just a text to me.  It was a group text.  It included both owners and 3 other dance moms.  Why?  Why was this going out in a group text?  Was it intentional?  Did he mistakenly include me on a group text.  Is this a group that has been talking about me behind my back? 

Another text: "I added the executive board  so everyone was on the same page and there is no miscommunication."

An executive board?  Never heard of it before.  Never told any of the studio about an executive board made up of their peers.  Weird.  Did he accidently include me and suddenly realize it?

Then another text from the other owner: "I addressed it on (app we used to communicate) and (person who helps studio) has also.  I honestly think I made her look stupid, lol.  (Person who help studio) also called me and gave me some tips and tricks on how best to handle this "type of mom."

So this owner didn't know that I was in the group text.  That was hurtful.  Guess they had been lying to my face all this time.  I guess they actually didn't like me at all.  I'm pretty easy going person so it stung.  How exactly did she make me look stupid.  I asked a question and she answered it.  And she's been talking about how to handle me as a parent.  I thought about the many other dance moms in the studio who are vocal... I mean VOCAL. How did they think I was like that.  At the parent meeting there were pointed questions.  I asked nothing. Was it the new fundraiser they announces and then cancelled because they had promised it would not happen at the parents meeting.  The other parents were angry but I just politely declined from participating.  Why the animosity?  I am pretty chill... especially compared to many other parents. I don't even consider myself a typical "dance mom."  

A reply came from another mom... "Well said Boss! Very respectful and straight forward"  

I reread the texts.  WHAT?!  The tears started welling up.  What in the world.  I wish I had had just taken a few hours to see what else people had to say... which others would not have realized I was on the group text.  I would have loved to see what they would have said.

But I had already started my reply while the other texts came through.  So I wanted to finish it and respond:

"Is this (owner's name)?  I'm assuming it is.  I don't have this number in my contact list.  I don't think I said anything negative.  I was asking for clarification because of policies in the past with cash.  Are you referring to me asking about that?  I don't have any issue paying cash.  I was just clarifying.  My question was answered.  I think fundraising has been going great this year.  What type of parent have I been guys?  I think I've gone over and above for this studio.  I am excited for the dances this year.  So if you're asking my family to leave because I asked a question that would really be heartbreaking for my kids.

The only other thing on (app we use to communicate) was saying I wouldn't sell raffle tickets which everyone said.  It wasn't disclosed in the parent packet.  That's all.  My girls don't miss class.  I pay everything on time and even in advance.  My kids enjoy it there.  So I'm hoping this animosity is just a misunderstanding and we can move forward in good standing."

I wish at that moment the owners would have taken a moment to collect themselves.  To read my words and reassess their strategy and goal.  

But another text came saying I was implying the person was stealing and it was hurtful.  So I replied that I didn't not mean to be hurtful and was not implying that at all.  I reminded them I'm not a negative person and said, "this whole group text blasting me in hurtful as well."

The last text from this group chat came through "There is no intent to blast anyone.  It's getting to the root of a problem.  That's it.  So let's not turn it into something it's not especially over fundraising."

I would not reply to that group anymore.  I was not making it into something it wasn't  They did that.  

In the meantime the owner who said she made me look "stupid" send me a side text.  She explained her feelings.  I apologized if she felt that way and explained this was a misunderstanding and to not read into it. 

I also made some side calls to people to make sure my read of the situation wasn't wrong. I chose some friends and also a neutral third party.  It was helpful. And of course I had been in communication with my husband who was not happy any of this was happening at all. He was trying to keep him cool as well. 

Another side text came through in which the owner apologized.  I thought okay... maybe I can extend an olive branch while also being candid. I thanked her for the apology.  I explained exactly what was hurtful in her words. I explained exactly what was hurtful in the other owner's text.   I explained my husband was not happy with the situation.  I also asked that if in the future the other owner wanted to communicate with my family to please contact my husband instead of me.  I also reminded her that no one was perfect.  I'm not.. she's not.  I was honest, kind, and I extended the olive branch.

Not more than 10 seconds later a text came back, "Cari, my apology in no way means I am okay with...."  and then the entire text basically explained that she wasn't in fact sorry for anything.  My take away...she was just sorry she texted before realizing I was in the group text.  She made the same accusations and did not accept the offer I gave to have a candid but kind conversation.

So now I had to decide.  What do I do for my family.  Can I stay and let my girls have their dance season?  Can I stay and feel comfortable all year?  Can I stay and look at my dance moms who were included in the text the same way?  Can I stay knowing if I ever ask a single question I will be misunderstood?  Can I stay and make it to July without any other issues?  

I took 24 hours to think about it.  I talked to a lot of people I trust. I decided to stay for my girls sake.  I went to the bank and pulled out the cash... I didn't want to go to the studio so my husband was going to meet me at the bank.   I spoke one last time to a friend.  I sat in the car and my stomach was turning.  This decision wasn't right.  It didn't feel right.  It was wrong.  I called my husband and told him how I was feeling.  He said forget the fundraiser, refund the money to people, and come home.  He told me to think about my feelings.  So I sat down and started composing a letter to the studio.  When I finished I felt a peace. It was the right think to do. We were leaving.  We were leaving knowing that other studios already had their teams.  We were leaving knowing we had no place to go and would loose this season of dance.  We were leaving because it's not okay to continue in a toxic environment no matter what you have to give up.  

I sent the letter the next day. I sent it to the "executive board" as well.  I sent it to the person the owner had mentioned. It was respectful and honest.

People found out said that there must be more to the story.  It must be more than just that one question.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I have some theories.  I was not afraid to ask them directly about rumors I was hearing.  I reminded them of things they wrote in their parent packet when they changed the rules and fees. And if this "executive board" was talking behind my back then perhaps the owners heard that my oldest daughter was most likely leaving the studio next year due to her wanting to explore theater.  She had just told her friends she was leaving and it got spread that our family was leaving.  So maybe that was part of it.  Maybe one of the mothers from the executive board told them I wished we had a single person who was the comp director like every other studio had. Maybe it's just that the studio owners like to push out people instead of making peace.  It had happened before. I really don't know for sure because sometimes a clean break heals quicker.  And I needed a quick break.  So I didn't ask.

But the thorns could not stop our rose from blooming.  We tried another studio.  a few months later they invited my youngest daughter to join the team.  My oldest daughter wanted to pursue theater.  She joined a new group and then auditioned for a production.  She made it into the production.  So now almost 6 months later my girls are thriving.  And we don't have any extra drama.  It's been a great year and I know that ultimately we made the right call.  God knew and directed our paths.  

Praise God.

Gum on the Carpet

Family was coming over. We were all cleaning and we were almost done. I went into my son’s room to inspect and his version of clean was most definitely not clean. So I brought in a trash bag and decided to help him clean. I pulled all the trash out from under the desk. I pulled out all the loose legos, figurines, and playing cards. I pulled it all out and told him to find a spot or it goes in the trash. It had a few meltdowns, but he was handling it overall. But as I continued pulling trash, and orange peels, and old school papers out from every nook and cranny the frustration started to build. I began to hold the anger at bay. No food allowed upstairs on the new carpet. That’s the rule and that had obviously been broken time and time again. And his unapologetic attitude was getting to me.


Then I saw it. Gum on the new carpet. A little piece of pink gum stuck in the carpet. I looked at that thing and looked at my son. “Did you chew gum and get it on the carpet.” “No mom. I swear it wasn’t me”. “Look at your room… of course it was you. I can’t believe you chewed gum and got it on your floor!”


By this time my other son had turned around and was looking at me too. I felt all the emotions i was controlling bubble to the surface. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I looked at that piece of gum and it was the final straw. I started picking at the gum. I grabbed a towel and got an end wet. I asked my other son to bring me cleaner. This gum was stuck good. I picked and picked and picked at the gum. And the tears came. “Do you boys understand what Dad and I do for you? Do you understand all the money we spend? This carpet isn’t even paid for yet. Do you understand the time we sacrifice and the things we do each week for you? We clean your clothes. We cook you food. We do the dishes. We do everything so that you can have a good life and I just want you to care. I just want you to care. All you do is care about yourselves.”


My son looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Why do you do it mom?” “Because I love you.” “But why do you do it?” “Because I love you but I want you to show that you care.” “I do care.” “Then act like it.” “But why do you do it then.” “Because I love you. I care for you. Just act like you care.”


That gum was still stuck. But I scrubbed and picked and pulled and slowly it came off the carpet. But the feelings from the gum remained. The gum was so much more. As I was asking my sons to show they cared I realized that this little piece of gum represented it all. The gum was feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water throughout the week. The gum was all the fights I break up. All the peacekeeping and training with my kids. The gum was past hurts from family members. The gum was feeling helpless as I watch relationships crumble. The gum was having to be strong for my siblings. The gum was having to be strong for my children. The gum was keeping all the emotions inside… deep inside. The gum was everything and yet it was nothing. The gum was gone.


I jumped in the shower and had a good cry. A real cry. A good sob actually. It felt good. I came out with a clear head. We all have gum on the carpet of our lives. And it seems like it will be stuck there forever. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be cleaned up. A little stain may remain, but the gunk can be purged. And you will come out the other end. You will make it okay in the end. And even when you feel no one is showing they care, they do. And even when you feel like you are going to drown, you won’t. The struggles are real. The emotions can be raw. But in the end… it’s worth it. And blessings come to those to don’t give up and persevere to the end.